PsychWisdom
A Weekly Newsletter
By Dr. Linda Sapadin
Featured Quote:
"Individual commitment to a group effort-that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.” —Vince Lombardi
Featured Article:
The Eternal Triangle –Man, Woman and Football
It’s nearing the end of the season for women who feel caught in an eternal triangle, not with “another woman” but with football. The Super Bowl represents the end of the “affair” and a return to the relationship. For some, this is what happens. For others, there is simply no break. If it’s not football, it’s soccer, golf, baseball, basketball, tennis, or the Internet.
What’s a woman to do? Is she making too big a deal about this type of affair? After all, it’s not another woman he’s involved with. True. Yet such an intense emotional involvement can still tear away at her self-esteem and sense of importance, leaving in its wake resentment, rage and betrayal. As time goes on, a woman can feel increasingly distant from her man, wondering if the relationship is worth the pain.
If you find yourself stuck in this type of eternal triangle, here’s what you must do to change it. Do I hear you saying, “Me? Why me? He’s the one who is causing the problem.” True enough. But you’re the one who’s experiencing the pain. He’s fine with things as they are - except, of course, for your complaining. So, initiating change is in your best interests.
Here are five ideas that just might make things better for you:
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Begin by keeping your expectations realistic. I know it would be great if you told your husband how alienated you’ve been feeling and he responded, “You’re right. I’ve been behaving badly. I’ve truly neglected you. You’re a great wife and I owe you a huge apology. I will stop watching sports right now to make up for all the time I overdid it." Unfortunately, in the history of mankind, this kind of response has never occurred. So let’s move on to plan B, shall we?
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Move from a victim mentality to a can-do mentality. Shift your focus away from what your partner is doing. Instead, empower yourself by focusing on what brings you pleasure. Give yourself the freedom to do what you want, rather than waiting around for him to pay attention to you. Decide how you will spend the day when he is glued to the TV. Get tickets to a show you’ve been wanting to see. Develop an interest of your own that keeps you smiling. Create a Super Bowl party for women in the same boat. They’ll thank you for it and you’ll have a good time to boot.
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Move from hopelessness to hopefulness. Sure there will be times you think, “I’m so miserable; things will never change;” or “I’ve tried everything and he just won’t budge.” But, alter those depressing thoughts. Make your thoughts more hopeful, yet realistic, such as “No more stifling my feelings; I’m going to be direct and tell him how his “affair” is affecting me.” Or, ” Even if there’s nothing I can do to change him, I know what I can do to make myself feel better.”
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Do not overreact or underreact to what you are feeling. Overreact and you will be seen (and see yourself) as a crazy, hysterical lady who is out of control. Underreact (for fear of looking bad or flying out of control) and you stifle your feelings, setting the stage for a volatile response on another day. Instead, find a middle ground for stating your feelings, your wants and your needs.
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Learn alternative ways of communicating with him. Rather than always being upset with him, strive for a serious, calm and solution-oriented conversation. Search for compromises that will be acceptable to both of you. Don’t demand compromises that he will resent and eventually break.
Patterns that have existed for awhile do not change overnight, so don’t get discouraged. Give the suggestions I’ve just made a serious try. If nothing seems to be changing, however, seek out help. And no matter what is happening, be sure you are taking care of yourself and being your own best friend.
Copyright 2007
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice, who specializes in helping people enrich their relationships, enhance their parenting and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of 4 books. The most recent one is entitled: Now I Get It! Totally Sensational Advice for Living and Loving. For more information or to order an autographed book, visit her website at http://www.psychwisdom.com/
Dr. Sapadin is also the author of:
101 Great Ways To Improve Your Life Volume 2: Chapter Title: Overcoming Resistance: What’s Stopping You” (SelfGrowth.com, 2006)
Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004, also published in Korean)
It’s About Time! The 6 Styles of Procrastination and How to Overcome Them (Penguin, 1996, also published in Japanese)
Beat Procrastination and Make the Grade: The 6 Styles of Procrastination and How Students Can Overcome Them (Penguin, 1999)
She has appeared on national and regional media, including the Today Show, Good Morning America, National Public Radio, and the Voice of America.
Her work has been featured in The New York Times, USA Today, Newsday, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, Cosmopolitan, Self, First, Ladies’ Home Journal, Prevention, Fitness, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Men’s Health and many other publications.
Dr. Sapadin has been an invited speaker to the Smithsonian, the American Psychological Association, Hofstra University as well as many other educational, business and associational groups.
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