The Passive-Aggressive Personality
He's kind, caring, an all-around nice guy - most of the time. Other times, you wonder about him. Doesn't he hear you? Doesn't he care? Is he stubborn, stupid or what?
Like the time you were preparing dinner and asked him if he'd buy a quart of skim milk and a package of American cheese on his way home. He said, "Sure, no problem," but instead brought home whole milk and Swiss cheese. You were left thinking - Hello, is anybody home? I could have sent my 10 year-old to the store with better results!
When you confront him about buying the wrong items, he becomes irritated with you. He says he forgot, doesn't see what the big deal is and accuses you of never being satisfied with anything he does. You alternate between feeling guilty, wondering if indeed you are too finicky or demanding, and feeling frustrated that he can't execute a simple task.
If this scenario seems familiar, it's time to learn more about passive-aggressive personalities.
Bill appears to be a "nice" guy, both in his personal and professional relationships. If asked to do a task, he typically responds, "No problem," "I'll get to it," or "I'll get back to you on this." But his follow-through on these matters leaves much to be desired. Hiding his defiance under a guise of compliance, he promises anything, but then does whatever he wants.
Bill's passive-aggressive pattern took root in childhood. Not wanting to argue with his parents but wanting to get them off his back, he became well skilled in passive-aggressive strategies, such as:
"I'll get to it in a minute, Ma." (But never gave it a second thought.)
"I did my homework, Dad." (In fact, he only did his math homework.)
"I'm doing my homework right now." (Does homework for a few minutes, then returns to his video game.)
"Don't worry. I'll take care of that mess in the garage." (Never specifies when.)
"Yeah, I'll do it." (He yells, as he scoots out of the house to play ball.)
"That project isn't due till next week." (Putting off responsibilities till the last minute.)
"As soon as I finish these other things." (Always some reason as to why he can't do it now.)
These childhood passive-aggressive behaviors have carried over to Bill's adult life. To this day, he's still uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation and has difficulty negotiating a compromise or refusing a request directly. Instead, his way of getting along is to agree, but then do it his way or simply not do it at all.
What effect does passive-aggressive behavior have on the other person? In a nutshell, it drives the other person nuts! It's frustrating to try to communicate with a person who doesn't give you a straight answer. It's exasperating to count on a person whom you can't trust. Excuses and double messages invariably try your patience, trigger your anger.
At times, you'll lose your cool. Then it's likely he'll tell you to “get a grip” - acting as though he had no part in the dissension that's been created. At this stage, he may become cooperative --as you wonder, why, oh why, does it all have to be so difficult?
In your gut, you know, there has to be a better way. What can you do to change the pattern? Here are a few suggestions:
- Recognize the pattern. Instead of just feeling guilty, angry or bewildered, label this disconcerting behavior as passive-aggressive.
- Express your anger before you get to the rage stage. Stick to the facts. Explain how his action (or lack of action) affects you.
- Call the passive-aggressive person on his behavior. If a promise has not been kept, confront him. If a response is evasive, ask him for clarification. If he can't give you a straight answer, tell him how his behavioral style is affecting you.
- Encourage the passive-aggressive person to express his feelings directly - even negative ones. Despite any initial discomfort, you may find it refreshing to have open and honest disputes instead of working so hard to decipher double messages and make sense of oblique communication.
- Nix the guilt. Though you may be a part of the problem, one thing is certain. You're not the sole cause of the problem; nor, can you possibly be the sole solution.
- When in doubt as to whether you should trust what the passive-aggressive person says, go with your gut. If, like Hamlet, you're torn between two impulses - "to believe" or "not to believe" - give less importance to what he says, more importance to what your instincts tell you are true. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
If, despite implementing these suggestions, nothing changes, it's time to seek professional help.
Copyright 2011
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and success coach. She specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns. Contact her at lsapadin@drsapadin.com or visit her website at www.PsychWisdom.com.
If procrastination is your issue, check out www.BeatProcrastinationCoach.com to discover the Skills, Strategies and Secrets you need to know to conquer your procrastination pattern.
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