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Same Parents, Different Parenting

Growing up in the same house with the same set of parents does not mean that kids have the same parenting. 

According to Bill, his father was a cold and distant man with a bad temper. “He would get angry easily and never let me explain anything. It was his way or the highway.”

Bill’s younger sister Denise, had a contrasting perspective. “I thought my father had a rough exterior but a kind heart. Sure, sometimes he would get angry and yell but the minute he saw that I was hurt, he’d stop, calm down and talk to me in a gentle way.”

When Bill heard Denise’s words, he couldn’t believe it. “Are you kidding? Dad was  stubborn, had a mean streak. He would accuse me and convict me. Forget about listening to me or caring about what I thought.”

Denise thinks her brother is being unfair to their father, exaggerating the negative and ignoring the positive. Bill thinks Denise is living in la-la land, forgetting what happened in their childhood.

Why should there be such divergent perspectives from two siblings who lived in the same household with the same parents? There are the obvious reasons. A son might be treated differently than a daughter; an older child differently than a younger one. But there’s another less obvious reason that often explains the difference.

Children’s own personalities have a great but often unrecognized impact on how their parents treat them.

Ed admits that he has a confrontational personality. “I took pride in not letting my father get to me. When he lost his cool, yelling his head off about something I did wrong, I became just as stubborn as he was. At that point, I didn’t care what he did to me. I could be just as bullheaded as he was.”

Denise, on the other hand, described her personality this way. “I just wanted my father’s approval. When he was upset with me, I was upset with myself. I felt sorry when I disappointed him. I’ve always been the sensitive type and would try hard to please him.”

Most of us believe that parents should treat each of their kids in similar ways. But what if the kids don’t act in similar ways? Let’s face it. If you had a sweet, compliant personality that sought out your parent’s approval, most likely you would get more stroking than a more independent, self-reliant sibling. And if you were the stubborn type, refusing to give in no matter what, no doubt you would have elicited more power struggles with your parent compared to your more yielding sibling.

Children’s personalities are often highly influential on how their parents act toward them.  So before you go into a Freudian frenzy, blaming your parent for all your troubles, look inward to see your contribution to the process.

Copyright 2005