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“I only want my kids to be happy” seems to be a simple, harmless, admirable desire. Yet, such an orientation frequently leads to parents giving kids too much stuff and too many experiences, at too early an age. The upshot: These kids are anything but happy. 

Instead of happiness, overindulgence frequently results in kids who have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Kids who expect that their every whim should be fulfilled. Kids who have a total disregard for the value of things (and, sometimes, for other people as well). Kids who have low frustration tolerance.  Kids who are insecure. Kids who can't make choices. Kids who nag, beg, and pester their parents unmercifully.

Next time you have a desire to give your kids everything they want, curb your enthusiasm. Otherwise, you might end up with unappreciative, unhappy children who have trouble coping with the inevitable ups and downs of life.

How can a parent stop the pattern of overindulging their child? 

Most importantly, don’t hesitate to say “no”.  Being told “no” by a parent helps a child build character, develop tolerance, establish values and set  limits. Keep reminding yourself that, on occasion, when you say "no" to your child (and mean it) , you are teaching her an important lesson in reality. You are also helping her appreciate the times that you say "yes". 

Some parents claim that they don't know how to "no" to their kid. Here are a few ways to do it.

• A “no” can be blunt, as in “No, I won’t buy that for you.”
• A "no" can come with an explanation, as in, “ No, because I just bought you a new computer game two weeks ago.” 
• A “no” can suggest an alternative, as in, “No, this shirt is too expensive, but this other one is fine."
• A “no” can even be completely old fashioned, as in, “No, because I’m the parent and I said so.”

Saying "no" becomes easier if you believe that giving your kids what they want is not synonymous with love or with being a good parent. You also need to believe that just because you can afford to buy your kid something doesn't mean that you should buy it.

Secondly, avoid the temptation to cave in to bad behavior. If your child becomes overly demanding, cut back on the giving. Let him be disappointed. Let him be frustrated. Let him have a temper tantrum.. Let him try to make you feel guilty. Let him be depressed. Let him be angry. Let him think you are the worst parent ever. Trust your gut. Be strong. Do what you think is right. Do not be blackmailed by inappropriate demands or relentless pressure. 

Third, find creative ways of connecting with your child. Spend more family time together. Talk to each other. Listen to your kid. Discuss philosophical questions, such as, When do you know when something is too much? When do you think a parent should say no? Do you ever say no to yourself? What makes you happy, not just for the moment, but really happy?  How long does your disappointment usually last? What's so difficult about waiting to get what you want?  Listen to your child's opinions; don't get into a tug-of-war over the 'right answer'.

It's much too easy in our affluent society to overindulge our kids. If you think that this is a blessing, think again.

Copyright 2004