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“You’ve Got a Point”

“You’ve got a point.” Such a simple phrase. Yet, it can carry considerable clout. And can be a strong catalyst for change – particularly in the midst of a “go-nowhere” tug-of-war conflict. Two examples:

“Mom, I’m not going to school today.

Oh, yes you are.

I can’t. Look at my hair. It’s a mess. I look awful.

No, you don’t. You look just fine. Now, get ready; the bus will be here in 10 minutes.

You must be out of your mind. Look at my hair. (Voice reaches a screeching peak) It’s  disgusting. I can’t go!!!”

The end result: Daughter won, mom lost. Both parties felt miserable.

Now consider:

“I want to get new furniture for the living room. It’s looking shabby.  

No way. You just want to spend money. Nothing’s wrong with the living room.

I figured you’d give me a hard time. You’re so stingy.  If it were up to you, we’d be living in a dump.

Hey, big spender; if you were making the money maybe you’d care more about how it was spent.

You’re such a control freak.

Me? You’ve got to be kidding. Everything has to be your way.

Yeah. I wish. You’re so stubborn; you take all the joy out of life.”

The end result: After months of name calling and general hostility, they bought a new couch for the living room. Neither party felt satisfied with the compromise.

It’s not unusual for family arguments to bring out the worst in both parties. As each person digs in his heels becoming further entrenched in his position, he (or she) turns against the other as though that person is the enemy. Things get worse as each person acts as though he has a monopoly on the right answer, believing one’s own values are sacrosanct while the other person’s are capricious, silly or just plain wrong. 

Such arguments are models of zero sum games. There is a winner and a loser. This is a good model for competitive sports but a terrible model for personal relationships. To change a zero sum game to a positive sum game (where both sides win), one must stop repeating one’s own position and be open to hearing the validity of the other person’s position. The simple phrase, “You’ve got a point” will help you accomplish this. 

Want to see the power of these 4 words? Return to the prior examples. Imagine that one party (usually the more mature one) injects the phrase “You’ve got a point” into the dialogue. Envision how it might change the subsequent conversation. Don’t fear that hearing the other person means giving in to the other person. It doesn’t. It means wrestling with differences and respecting high powered emotions in order to achieve a position of mutual cooperation (a win-win solution).

As you make “You’ve got a point!” your mantra (and begin to believe it), you will be creating a climate for better communication. Here are a few of the benefits that will result from such a change: 

1. You will learn to consider the merits of another's point of view without becoming defensive.  
2. You will begin to recognize that because you have differences doesn’t make one of you right and the other wrong.   
3. You will be more cautious about hurting the feelings of others as you make your point.
4. As you are willing to suppress rage and righteousness, you will find yourself  much more open to creative problem solving.
5. As you respect someone else’s position, you may find that he or she is more open to accepting yours. 

Copyright 2005