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Who Started It?

8-year-old Johnny and 6-year-old Bobby are on their way to grandma’s house. It doesn’t take long before the two brothers are bickering once again. As the hostility level escalates, mom steps in with a stern “cut it out”.

Mom’s comment is a signal for both boys to plead their cases as though they were budding lawyers, each trying to influence the judge.  

“He started it.”

“No, I didn’t; you started it.”

“You hit me first.”

“I hit you first because you called me stupid.”

“You are stupid.”

“See mom.”

“He is stupid. He takes my things, breaks them and then lies about it.”

“I was just looking at his truck when he shoved me and grabbed it out of my hands.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“See mom, he’s doing it again.”

What’s going on here? And how should parents respond to such bickering?

The first thing to know is that any fight is more complicated than it seems, for two things are universally true.

1. Each party has a different interpretation of who started it. The claim that “he hit me first” seems to define the first hitter as the aggressor and takes the second hitter off the hook, as most people agree that not only are people allowed to defend themselves; they are expected to. However, dig a little deeper and you might discover that other aggressive acts took place before the first punch was thrown.   

2. Each party has a different interpretation of when the fight started. Does a fight begin with the first punch, the first tease, the first shove, the first name calling or might the first aggressive act actually be retaliation for the previous fight that was never really resolved?

What parents usually do when kids bicker is to give a warning, a lecture, a threat and/or a punishment. Sometimes, these responses are effective; other times they fall on deaf ears since an angry kid doesn’t care about those things at that time.

So what should a parent do? Though there is no cookbook answer to that question, a few things are clear.

One, parents need to address more than just the “hitting” behavior. They need to learn the “whole story”, including the events that led up to the current incident.

Two, parents need to suggest alternative responses, such as ignoring, negotiating or compromising, so that hitting and name calling are not the only ways kids think they can argue.

Third, parents need to teach that one’s actions are not “caused” by what the other person did to you. Although what somebody else did can contribute to your mood, you always have a choice in how you behave.

Parents, I hope you can put these ideas into practice so that your little boys grow up to be men who think and don’t justify their actions by proclaiming, “But he hit me first.”  Oh, if only the leaders of our country had learned this lesson when they were little boys.

Copyright 2007:  Linda Sapadin, Ph.D.  is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior.

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