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A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Teen Years

Are you a parent of an adolescent? Are you so totally disillusioned with your teen that you want to enroll him (or her) in the "Witless Protection Program"? Do you hope that a new identity would result in his renouncing his awful behavior? Or that it just might get her to shut her mouth and show some respect?

You are not alone.

Last I checked, however, there is a twenty year waiting list for this program. So, unless you have significant connections, you’ve simply got to do what you’ve got to do to survive those teen years.

Here are some thoughts on the subject.

First, be aware that many young people feel absolutely entitled to think their own thoughts, do their own thing, and live their own lives, without any regard for real life perils that scare the hell out of their parents. They think they know it all, dismissing any negative consequences that might result from their behavior.

Now, of course, teens have always rebelled and wanted to do their own thing. But for the most part, they did it behind their parents’ back. At least they had the decency to make up a story that they swore was true. “I was just holding the drugs for my friend.” “We haven’t done any more than kissed.” “Of course, my friend’s parents will be home.” And parents, even if they felt uneasy, could choose to believe what they wanted to believe about their teenagers.

Today’s rebellious kids, however, are in your face. There's no ignoring them. They feel entitled. They confront with both barrels.

“Of course, I’m smoking pot. There’s nothing wrong with it. You're such a hypocrite. You smoked pot when you were a kid, now you don’t want me to do it. I hate you!”

“You’ve no right to check on where I go on the Internet. I’ll do what I want to do.”

“Oral sex is no big deal. It’s not even sex. What’s your hang-up?”

“I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

These kids often blur the distinction between what they are exposed to (on blogs, Websites, TV, movies, music) and what is real world living. They reject the values that they held just a few years ago (when they were sweet, adorable, good kids), and instead, hook on to beliefs that are totally alien to the way they were raised.

So, what’s a parent to do?

Here are a few guiding ideas to help you cope.

Know that you have every right (even an obligation) to express your disapproval. But it‘s best to do so without hysteria or empty threats. Tell your kid what you think and feel about how he is behaving. Set firm rules that will have real enforceable consequences for your teen if he misbehaves.
Despite the obnoxious tone of your kid, it’s a plus that she is still communicating with you. Take this communication as a circuitous request for parental limits. Respond in an honest way, such as: "I’m upset with what you’re saying though I’m glad we’re talking. I need you, however, to speak to me respectfully, even when you’re angry. And not just yell at me, but also to hear what I’m saying too.”
Once you’ve established ground rules on how you will be spoken to, attempt to engage your teen in a dialogue. Questions like: “What’s it like when you get high? Did you ever sell the drug to others? Did you ever have a bad reaction? What would you do if you did? Are you doing any other drugs? Have you been offered any? How would you say” no” if someone pressures you to do something you don’t want to do?” Such questions can be asked either all at once (if your teen is into it) or at different times (if he’s viewing you as the grand inquisitor).
If your kid does respond to these questions, listen to his answers without lecturing him. What you are aiming for is to gain an understanding about your teen’s life and to improve your communication with him. What you are trying to avoid is getting into a head-butting conflict as to whose way is right and whose way is wrong.

What I’m suggesting is not easy to do. Indeed, if you do it all, I think you will be a candidate for sainthood as you quell your impulse to scream at your kid about how stupid she’s acting, how dangerous his behavior is, how disrespectful he is, how wrong her actions are. You will want to ground your child for the rest of her natural life. But, you being the more mature one, you will keep those feelings in check (for the most part) and remember that the bottom line is to help your teen make better decisions, keep your relationship intact, and have your kid treat people (including you) with respect.

Such lessons can be learned even when your teen is openly rebellious for a period of his life.

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