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August: Can't Get It Out of My Head

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Relationships 101

The most fundamental principles of relationships are best learned when you are new to life. These principles are taught by example, honed by repetition and absorbed into your bloodstream as you reside with those who live the principles day in and day out.

Eli learned the principles of relationships while growing up in a crowded apartment in a poor neighborhood. Jimmy learned the principles while growing up in a well educated family in a well-to-do neighborhood. Clearly, neither money nor formal education is the decisive factor.

Marcie learned the principles only years after she reached adulthood. Because of that, these principles have particular meaning for her today. When people treat her with kindness, listen to her with respect, pay attention to her needs, it’s a special moment for her.

When a friend says a kind word to her, she feels goose bumps on her arms. When her spouse responds positively to her request, she feels a lump in her throat. When her grown child asks for her opinion and listens to what she has to say, she blinks away her tears.

It still seems somewhat of a miracle to her that when she expresses an opinion, she isn’t told how selfish, stupid or bad she is. Or when she disagrees with another person, she doesn’t get bullied, shamed or blamed.

Yes, the fundamental principles of relationships are:

treat one another with kindness
listen to another respectfully
speak to another respectfully
pay attention to what others are saying

And, of course, since you are one of the people in the relationship, you must also

treat yourself with kindness
listen to yourself respectfully
speak to yourself respectfully
pay attention to what you are saying

If you adhere to these principles, will life then be without conflict? Will discord and dissension be a thing of the past? Sorry, that only happens in fairy tales.

In real life, when people bump up against each other, there will be conflict. When people disagree on a matter, there will be tension and discord. But conflict does not have to lead to warfare. Clashes do not have to lead to character assassination. Hostilities do not have to end in humiliation.

This is true for the small disagreements in life as well as for the big ones. This is true when louder voices try to drown out a softer one that whispers “there must be a better way to get along”.

Next time your spouse upsets you, see if you can put into practice the most fundamental principles of relationships. Instead of screaming at him, calling him names, blaming him for everything that’s gone wrong in your life, try telling him respectfully why you’re upset and what you hope he will do to make it up to you.

Next time your teen treats you disrespectfully, see if you can put into practice these fundamental principles. Instead of either being bullied into doing what she wants you to do, mud wrestling with her, or calling her a selfish, spoiled brat, tell her that you will be glad to respond to her when she speaks to you respectfully.

When one person ignores the basic principles of relationships, it’s easy to slide down the slippery slope that leads to incivility, rudeness, and brutishness. And, of course, excuses abound to justify such behavior.

But I trust that you, dear reader, will do your best to avoid sinking to the lowest common denominator – even if “she deserved it”, “he’s such an asshole”, or “I didn’t start it”; and instead, put into practice the fundamental principles of relationships.

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