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November: Passive-Aggressive Defiance

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Can’t Get It Out Of My Head

If you grew up in a critical home, it’s likely that faultfinding still floods your consciousness. And not only can’t you get the early criticism out of your head, but you now augment it by creating your own pattern of reflexive nay-saying that goes something like this:

“I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t -
   I’m not, I’m not, I’m not -
      I can’t, I can’t, I can’t -
         In short: I’m a failure.”

There may be days in which you rise above that negativity - moments in which you feel fulfilled, take pride in what you do, and are loving to yourself. You may even bask in a compliment you’ve received or spontaneously give a candid compliment to yourself.

But just when you think you’ve conquered your early brainwashing, along comes a ZAP! Without warning, a critical comment drags you back into negative terrain much like a massive undertow pulls you against your will into dangerous waters. Then once again that familiar feeling returns - you feel bad about yourself, believe you’re powerless and let your energy veer toward the negative.

You may wonder, am I always going to be at the mercy of critical comments or can I learn to let them wash over me the way others seem to be able to do? The answer is clear. You don’t need to be at the mercy of critical comments. Furthermore, you don’t need to do the impossible – that is to banish criticism from your life. Indeed, you may even learn to welcome criticism once you can discover how to channel it into something positive.

Here are 3 ways to do this:

Accept the criticism – drop the negative value judgment.

Let’s say someone criticizes you because your room is a mess. You can agree that your room is indeed a mess. And that, yes you do have trouble cleaning up after yourself. And even add some commentary that the other person missed. But know that none of this makes you a failure, a bad person, a disappointment or any other soul-devouring criticism. And if anyone suggests such a thing, tell him that Einstein believed that a messy room is the sign of a genius at work.

Put blunders in perspective.

Let’s say you’re disappointed in yourself for not doing something as well as you would have liked. How do you then judge yourself? Do you have a propensity for viewing a blunder as a felony – acting as though it is deserving of capital punishment? If so, stop! Making mistakes is an essential part of the learning curve. People mess up, misconstrue, misjudge, miscompute. And even if you should have known better, remember that not even top notch athletes are always at their peak. So, quit belittling yourself. Instead reassure yourself that though this was not your best effort, you can and will do better.

Respond to criticism with your own positive take on the matter.

Let’s say you’re fed up with the job you have, know you deserve better and are excited about moving on. But you hesitate to share your ideas with a particular someone for fear his response will be something like: “What are you crazy? You can’t do that. Jobs are tough to get in this economy.” No matter how he responds, do not let him deflate your spirit. Keep your enthusiasm afloat by saying out loud what you wished he would have said to you. For example: “I know you want the best for me. I’m not going to walk out the door tomorrow. But I am going to actively look for another job. I hope you’ll support me in this endeavor even if you feel anxious about it.”

As you put these ideas into practice, you may find yourself falling into a pattern of reflexive yea-saying that goes something like this:

“I did, I did, I did -
   I am, I am, I am -
      I can, I can, I can -
         In short: I’m a first-rate person and proud of it!”

Still Can’t Get it Out Of Your Head?

Each of us has an inner critic. That’s all well and good. If, however, your inner critic pounces on you, attacks and demeans you and treats you as though you’re a horrible person, that’s a problem. Listen to Diane as she describes her harsh inner critic. “If I do something wrong, I don’t simply say I made a mistake. Instead, I say such things as: “Can’t you do anything right?", "What an idiot you are!" or "What the hell is the matter with you?”

If you relate to Diane’s style of self-torture, it’s time to tone down your inner critic. Here are examples of changes you can make in your cognitive and expressive styles.

Instead of saying, “My presentation was a total fiasco; I didn’t know what the hell I was doing,” say “My presentation was not as strong as I hoped it would be; I really didn’t prepare well enough.”

Instead of saying, “What’s the matter with me, why did I say such a stupid remark?” say, “I truly need to think before I speak.”

Instead of saying, “What an idiot I am; I totally messed up,” say “I made some mistakes but I’m the wiser for it now.”

Changing the words you use is not just a silly semantic game. It's, rather, a more precise and kinder interpretation of your shortcomings. Instead of debasing yourself, it’s actually more helpful if you admit to miscalculating a number, omitting a step, overlooking a detail, underestimating a factor, overestimating a component, misinterpreting a communication.

In order to put into practice what I just suggested, you need to do something that many people find hard to do. That is, to be accepting of your weaknesses, flaws, deficiencies and shortcomings. If you don't accept these failings and instead believe that not knowing something, not doing a task well or not measuring up to another's standards means that you’re a bad, stupid or awful person, well then, I can understand your rationale for demeaning yourself.

Next time you find yourself upset about one of your failures, instead of taking out the whip, realize that you have the option, if you choose, to improve your performance in that area. No, it won’t be easy. But you are a person who is capable of learning. In any area of life – from cooking to communicating from taming your temper to curbing your complaining, you can improve. No, you may not become an expert, but you can increase your skill level.

Now that you realize what a good idea it is to tone down your inner critic, begin today. Put yourself on an “inner critic diet". Minimize not only the frequency of your self-criticism (how often you are critical) but also the dosage (how powerful your criticism is). Hint: The most effective therapeutic dose is always the lowest level that works.

Oh, and one more important matter. Intersperse your self-criticism with compliments. Nobody can stay on a diet for any length of time without occasional sweets and treats.

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