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February: Trophy Kids

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Nix the Nagging

It’s not easy to stop nagging when you have a strong conviction that a loved one can (and should) change his behavior. Indeed, it may even feel irresponsible for you to “give up” on him and just let him be.

You want so badly for him (or her) to see the light. You know how much better his life would be if only he were more responsible, if only she stopped spending, if only he wasn’t a pack-rat, if only she wasn’t so hysterical.

You started out being loving and supportive. But now, much to your dismay, you’ve become known for your rages and your restrictions. You may have ear-piercing fights or you may seethe inside. Neither way is good and certainly not what you hoped for in this relationship. Yet that’s what it has become.

So what can you do to nix the urge to nag? Here are a few suggestions:

Accept him - with his annoying (and even dangerous) foibles. I know what you’re thinking – why should I have to accept his unacceptable ways. He’s not being fair; he’s not being responsible. She’s out of control; she doesn’t let me breathe. Accepting it does not mean embracing it or liking it or giving it your stamp of approval. It just means that, at least for now, you give up the idea that it is your job to mold that person in your image of the way he should be. He is who he is. Now what do you do about your own frustrations?
Curb your disappointments. Expect him to be the way he is. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, if you expect him to change because after you’ve nagged him, he says, “you’re right”, don’t be naïve. Yes, he may make an effort to eat healthier. Yes, she may make an effort to be less messy, but it’s likely that neither one will make a lasting change. Am I being cynical? No, just realistic. Don’t I believe that people can change? Absolutely people can change. But meaningful change happens when people feel the need to change, not as a reaction to nagging. So, protect yourself from continual disappointment. Expect things to be the way they are. And if perchance, your partner really does begin to change, acknowledge it and celebrate!
Empower yourself by doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you have told him that you want him to plan a summer vacation and he has said “yes”, but doesn’t act on it, don’t seethe. Don’t nag. Instead, start planning one yourself. But, you may ask, why should I have to do that when I do so much and he said he would do it? The answer: You will be a happier person when you get your needs met with minimum frustration. But isn’t this enabling, where you do for him what he should be doing for himself? No, because in this situation it is you who wants to go on vacation more than he does. So make it happen. Don’t be passive. Don't wait for permission.
Disengage when you know it will lead to further frustration. Frustration is contagious and grows in scope the more you focus on it. So, if you know that your nagging will get you nowhere, disengage. Stop thinking about her foibles, start thinking about something else. Am I advocating sticking your head in the sand? Avoiding the problems? Absolutely not. But I am suggesting that every itch does not need to be scratched. Use sound judgment about when and how to engage. Sometimes it’s important to confront, sometimes it’s important to let go.

Remember, a life of nagging is not what you signed up for. Nor did your partner sign up for a life of being constantly hounded. So, nix the nagging and instead initiate heart-to-heart talks, offer gentle reminders and lighten up the criticism. If none of that works, invest in your relationship with couple therapy. Professional help has enabled many a couple to brighten and enlighten their lives.

Tidbits for Today

As I sit down to write today’s article, I'm feeling a bit zonked. So many things happening that I simply don’t how I'm going to write a “real” article. My energy is low. My head is fuzzy. My eyes are heavy. I bet you know the feeling.

No, I’m not completely wiped out. I’ve actually accomplished a lot today. Rather than working on one grand project, however, I’ve tied up loose ends on half a dozen smaller projects. It’s a good feeling to do that. Get things off your desk, return phone calls, finish those niggling little things that you know you should do but never seem to get to.

Tying up those loose ends is onerous (but not as hard as you think). It’s honorable (as you keep your promises to yourself and others). Though it’s rarely exciting, it does provide a satisfying sense of completion.

So, though I’m not ready to start a new article that requires a whole lot of focusing, I am always ready to share with you some tidbits that are quirky, quizzical or in some way get your brain cells twitching.

And so on to my first tidbit:

There are two philosophies about how best to take off a Band-Aid. Are you a person who says - I’d rather close my eyes, take a deep breath and have it ripped off with one quick move? So what if I let out a blood-curdling yelp; once it’s over, it’s over. - Or are you a person who pleads for someone to go easy on you? Drag it out if you must but please don’t subject me to intense pain.

Now, after you’ve come up with your answer, think about whether your Band-Aid philosophy applies to other matters in life as well? Like ending a relationship or making a tough decision. If so, how well does your style work for you? Wait a minute – before you rush on to the next paragraph, stay with your reflection on this matter for a few more minutes. You might learn something.

Now for another tidbit:

Do you remember when you were young how you ridiculed your mother’s advice? Didn’t you think, at times, that she was horribly old-fashioned, totally out-of-touch with the times or worse yet - a complete fool. Now, can you think of just one of those “tidbits of advice” that at this stage of life seems wonderfully wise? If so, have a good laugh at your own expense and give your mom a little credit – or perhaps a lot of credit. After all, this is the month we celebrate Mother’s Day.

Moving right along:

What do you do when you find yourself facing a closed door? Do you stare at it bewildered? Do you get angry, perhaps raging about how unfair it is? Or do you find another way inside? Perhaps through a back door, a side door, an open window, or a chimney (hey, it’s good enough for Santa Claus). Perhaps you could search for a key to the door. Or climb a ladder or dig a tunnel to go over or under the door. Or, maybe you should be grateful the door is closed because only then might you begin to look for other options, other doors that may offer something better for you.

So there you have it. My tidbits for today. Not bad for a day’s work in which I was too tired to work.

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