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No, It’s Not All About You!

“He just doesn’t get it! I don’t know how my son, a smart and talented young man, could be so self-centered and dense.”

Bill was grumbling again about his son. This time, not surprisingly, it revolved around money. “He didn’t even ask to borrow the money. He told me he “needed” a new state-of-the-art computer only 6 months after he “needed” a “loan” because the lease on his Lexus had expired. He wasn’t even apologetic for expecting me to foot the bill. He just rattled off a bunch of reasons about why he couldn’t be expected to pay for these things and why I should.”

Bill continued. “When he was a teenager, I used to think he’d outgrow this pattern. But he’s 29 years old now and I don’t see anything changing. He just wants what he wants and he doesn’t care how his wants affect me or his mother.”

When I suggested to Bill that his son sounded like a narcissist, Bill immediately defended him. “It’s not that he doesn’t care about us,” he retorted. “He can be very loving. He just doesn’t have high self-esteem and needs material things to feel better about himself.”

It’s often hard to accept that someone you care for has a narcissistic personality, especially when he (or she) is talented, charming, smart, and yes, even caring at times. Yet, if you are bewildered by your loved one’s expectations and repeatedly feel taken advantage of, don’t let your wishful thinking stand in the way of reality.

Narcissism is on the rise today, reinforced by our culture. Advertisements that proclaim that you “deserve the best” or “you’re worth it” make no connection between deserving it and affording it or explaining what makes you so special that you’re worth it.

Let’s now take an in-depth look at the characteristics of the narcissistic personality.

Narcissists are highly focused on their own needs, giving short shrift to how their demands affect others. Mike gives little thought to what his “needs” cost his parents, even though he knows they are not wealthy people.

Narcissists show little empathy for others. Looking at a situation from a different viewpoint is either foreign to them or is shrugged off as unimportant. When Mike’s dad tried to explain to his son that he and his mom are feeling burdened by his expectations, Mike shrugged it off with a “hey, you gotta live for today.”

Narcissists need continuous validation from others to feel good about themselves. Feeling empty on the inside, they have an insatiable need for praise and acknowledgment from the outside. Criticism is either rejected or experienced as unfair. When Mike’s mom tells him how disappointed she is in his unrealistic expectations, Mike puts on a long face, acting as though he’s been deeply wounded.

Narcissists are overly concerned with external appearances and status symbols. Items that visibly enhance their status are important to narcissists. Impulsive and impatient, they feel entitled to nothing but the best right away. Mike feels entitled to a top-of-the line computer and a status car, regardless of his own financial situation.

Narcissists seek out relationships that will feed their ego. People in their lives are treated as extensions of themselves. Whatever they want the other person should want. They do not hesitate to end a relationship if their needs are not being met. Mike’s parents fear that if they refuse to give Mike any more money, he might write them off. Their fears are grounded in reality.

Narcissists can, at times, by quite generous with others. Their generosity, however, has to feed their ego and their sense of importance. Mike doesn’t even think about repaying his parents for their “loans”. However, he will treat them to expensive dinners or buy them lavish gifts, but mainly as a way to build up his own importance.

As you probably concluded, it’s difficult to have a relationship with a narcissist without feeling exploited. So to survive such a relationship, you must learn strategies to protect yourself. Here are some recommendations:

Be clear in your own mind what your limits are. Then clearly state and enforce those limits. Here are five areas that generally need to be addressed:

Time (Don’t be at his beck and call to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.)
Money (Your money is not his money. Be clear as to what you’re willing to pay for and what you’re not willing to pay for.)
Possessions (Be specific about what possessions you will share, if any, and what you won’t share.)
Conversations (Interrupt endless talk about the minutiae of the narcissist’s life. Either end the conversation or segue into a topic that is of interest to both of you.)
Responsibilities (Be clear as to what responsibilities are his and what are yours. Do not pick up his responsibilities if he "forgets" or "has no time" to do them.)

Clarify the consequences for disrespecting boundaries or going over the limits. You may feel like you’re interacting with a child when you do this, but since the narcissist doesn’t reflect on how his actions affect you, he is, in many ways, behaving and thinking like a young child.

Stay the course. Refuse to be blackmailed by his temper tantrums, his threats, his name calling or his “I hate you”. Do not let yourself be manipulated into rescuing him from the consequences of his own narcissistic behavior.

If he tells you, you’re the greatest, take it with a grain of salt. Today, you are the object of his affection; tomorrow, it’s just as likely you will be the cause of all his woes.

If you believe he’s acting inappropriately, say so. If you believe his expectations are out of line, say so. You must maintain a reasonable perspective on a problem or predicament, as he cannot be counted on to do so.

If you’re involved with a narcissist, you must not lose yourself and get sucked into his or her way of thinking. If you do, you will find yourself in an ongoing, debilitating struggle to just survive.

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