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August: Can't Get It Out of My Head

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Melt-Down Kids

Ever witnessed a kid who is in the middle of a serious melt-down? Crying, cursing, screaming, kicking, biting, hitting, throwing things, running away – surely something awful must have happened. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the child must have just learned that her beloved pet was run over or that someone destroyed his most precious possession.

But the sad truth is it’s more likely that this out-of-control child is having an out-of-control reaction to being told that she can’t buy something or that it’s time to go home.

Once you learn the child’s melt-down is about something insignificant, you shake your head in disgust. Spoiled kid, you think. Awful parenting, you judge. A good thrashing is what this kid needs, you believe.

Well, you may be right. Or you may be dead wrong.

Some kids are indeed spoiled. They need a parent to do what parents should do – set limits, insist on appropriate behavior, reinforce good behavior with rewards and punish bad behavior.

But then there are kids in a league of their own.

If you are not the parent of one, stop judging and thank your lucky stars. Know that these parents should be given a medal for continuing the struggle to both love their kids and civilize them.

So what is it with these melt-down kids? Why do they find it so difficult to do what is expected of them? How can they be so sweet and loving one moment and the next be so unreasonable and inflexible? Shall we simply label them with an alphabet diagnosis (i.e. ADD, OCD, BPD, LD), then medicate them or shall we seek to understand what’s going on for them?

Ask an explosive 9-year-old why he gets so easily frustrated, why he’s so inflexible, why he can’t go along with what’s expected of him and he’ll typically respond, “I don’t know”. And he’ll be right. He doesn’t know.

All he knows is that he gets locked into a position and stays there. There’s no yielding, no ability to move from plan A to plan B, no ability to shift his perspective on matters. Clearly, certain developmental skills are not at an age-appropriate level.

So what should parents do? As one’s patience wears thin, the tendency is to do one of two things. Either give in to your child because there’s just so much torment you can take. Or demand your child listen to you RIGHT NOW, resulting in inflexibility bumping up against inflexibility. Then watch the sparks fly!

Clearly neither of these methods work well. So what can you do?

Here is a 3-prong approach recommended by psychologist, Dr. Ross Greene.

First – Be Empathetic

(“I know you don’t want to take your medicine because it tastes yucky.”)

Second - Define the Problem

(“It’s no fun taking bad tasting medicine but the doctor says your cold will get a lot worse if you don’t take it. Having a cold for a long time is no fun either.”)

Third - Invite your child to find a solution that works well for both of you.

(Mom, you should buy me a better tasting medicine. OK, I’ll try. But the doctor may say they all taste the same. Then I won’t take it! But that’s not ok with me. Well, you should give it to me with ice cream. That will make it taste better. Clever boy! Thanks for thinking of that idea. It’s like what we do with Ottie when we slip his medicine into his dog food.”)

If you’re searching for more insight and guidance on how to deal with melt-down kids, read “The Explosive Child” by Dr. Ross Greene. This book will help you understand what’s going on inside your child and will provide you with pragmatic ideas for helping your child develop greater flexibility and higher frustration tolerance.

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