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August: Can't Get It Out of My Head

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The Maternal Triangle

Last week’s newsletter article was about the eternal triangle; this month I’d like to discuss the maternal triangle. Though this triangle can have several different configurations, today’s focus will be on the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and son/husband.

Let’s begin with the mother-in-law who is perhaps the only person for whom it’s still not politically incorrect to malign. Offensive jokes may still bring a chuckle:

“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law in 6 months; I don’t like to interrupt her.”

“Two men were in a pub. One says to his buddy, "My mother-in-law is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

And the complaints:

“My mother-in-law thinks different is bad. If what I do is not her way it’s the wrong way.”

“My mother-in-law constantly undermines how I’m raising the children. She’s clueless about what goes on with today’s kids, yet that doesn’t stop her from criticizing me about how I’m raising them.”

Yes, the stereotypical mother-in-law is seen as critical, controlling, interfering, demanding, even making a daughter-in-law feel like an outsider in her own family.

Can these complaints be valid? Certainly, especially for those mother-in-laws who have also been dominating mothers and continue to display a strong need to control.

A maternal triangle becomes even more contentious, when a dominating mother-in-law finds herself pitted against a strong personality much like her own. This is especially true when her son has “married his mom” as many men do.. Yes indeed, a daughter-in-law can also be critical, controlling, interfering, demanding and make a mother-in-law feel like an outsider within her own family.

Conflicts often revolve around child rearing (you’re letting him do that?), finances (you spent what?), food (you’re going out to eat again?) holidays (you’re not doing it the traditional way) and boundary issues (I know it’s none of my business but….). The underlying dynamic of these conflicts is who is in control, who has the power, who defines what is the correct way to do things.

If you have the type of personality that is excessively needy for love, admiration or control, you may project onto others what you do not want to recognize in yourself. As a result, you may view your daughter-in-law as controlling instead of recognizing your own controlling nature. Similarly, as a daughter-in-law, you may view your mother-in-law as critical instead of recognizing your own critical nature.

In these types of conflicts, it’s easy for both parties to view themselves as the victim, hyper aware of what’s being done to them, blithely unaware of how they’re causing problems for the other person. As the conflict escalates, the supporting cast (husband and son) are often reluctantly drawn in to play the role of rescuer.

“I ask my husband to tell his mother to back off. He says he doesn't want to interfere because she’s always been like that and she won’t change.”

“I tell my son to stand up to his wife. Why does she always make the decisions? It should be our turn for the holidays instead of her parents.”

Certainly all in-law relationships are not troubled. Indeed, some people adore their in-laws, feel close to them, value them and find that their feelings deepen and strengthen over time. But if you find yourself in a conflicted relationship with your in-laws, what can you do?

Advice for Both Parties - Rather than always grumbling about the other person, try to air out the differences that are most troublesome to you. Keep your expectations realistic, aiming for a reasonable compromise. Do not widen the conflict by demanding that other family members align with you.

Advice for Daughter-In-Laws – Don’t be hungry for your mother-in-law’s approval for everything you do. She may not really understand or appreciate the way you live your life. Let that be okay. Learn to hear her criticalness about you as part of her personality, not aimed to hurt you. If her comments have more impact on you than you’d like, it’s a good bet that you need to learn to become more assertive (but not aggressive) and less sensitive.

Advice for Mother-In-Laws – Expect that the next generation will do things differently from you. Let that be okay, even if you don’t really agree with it. You may have been a great mom but now is the time to retire from active duty and join the reserves. Be available for full-time involvement only if called up for emergencies. If you have put all your eggs in one basket - living your life only for your children - it’s time to make a change. Turn your attention to creating a meaningful life for yourself. And, of course, make sure that that life includes enjoyable moments with your children and grandchildren.

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