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Is Your Marriage In Trouble?

Some couples appear as though they’ve got it made - until the day they shock even their best friends by announcing that they’re separating.

Other couples, in contrast, frequently bicker and squabble. Yet, the next day they put it all behind them, once again feel loving and supportive of one another.

Clearly, a relationship’s stability is not always evident to others. Moreover, it may not even be evident to those living it. It’s not unusual to wonder if your marriage is ‘on the rocks’ or if it has simply hit a few bumps in the road. Of course, time will tell. Nothing stays the same.

Difficulties either get better or worse.

But wouldn’t it be helpful if you could assess the signals beforehand like people do with medical issues? That way you can either reassure yourself that the symptoms are no big deal (after all, no relationship is perfect) or that the symptoms you’re experiencing are indeed a tip-off of trouble ahead, alerting you to the need to seek out marital therapy sooner rather than later.

To help you assess your relationship, here are five signs of serious trouble:

1. Interpreting your spouse’s “bad behavior” as a negative character flaw.

It’s not just what your spouse does (or doesn’t do) that creates problems. It’s also how you interpret his behavior. For instance, if he was supposed to run an errand on the way home from work and didn’t do it, do you think of him as “a narcissist who doesn’t give a damn about anybody but himself” or as “a forgetful guy with too much on his mind.”
The more negative your interpretation is and the more you attribute it to his fixed character, (he’s just hopeless) rather than as situational (when he’s distracted, he easily forgets), the more troubled is your relationship.

2. Cross-complaining.

Cross-complaining occurs when a complaint is met with a counter-complaint rather than addressing the original grievance. Two examples:
Your spouse says, “You don’t discipline the kids enough.” You cross-complain, exclaiming, “You’re always too tough on the kids.”

You arrive home from work exhausted, griping “What a tough day I had!” Rather than offering a bit of sympathy, your spouse cross-complains, “You think your day was tough, wait until you hear what I went through.”

Cross-complaining creates distance and alienation. It’s usually interpreted as, “There’s no use talking to you,” or “You don’t give a damn what I have to say.” You might inquire, “don’t I have a right to complain too?” Yes, of course. But if your timing is off, communication easily spirals downward. So, first respond to your spouse’s complaint. Once that's addressed, then it's fine if you put your own issue on the table.

3. Treating your spouse with contempt.

If you are chewing up your spouse and spitting her out for breakfast, it’s obvious that your relationship is in trouble. However, when contempt is less malevolent, you may be unaware of it. Be on the lookout for contempt that takes the form of:

Rolling your eyes as your spouse speaks
Assuming a patronizing, lecturing tone of voice
Responding with gestures of disgust
Making definitive statements that cut off any discussion or deliberation
Giving your spouse the cold shoulder for a substantial length of time
Using disrespectful language including name-calling and cursing.

4. Alternating criticism and defensiveness.

Most people fall in love because their loved one makes them feel really good about themselves. Over time, however, that may change. Here’s what often happens:

She becomes upset with him for something he said or did or didn’t do. He responds defensively by justifying his actions. As she becomes increasingly angry, hurt and frustrated, he, in turn, becomes more defensive and distant. She nags; he stonewalls. She concludes, “it’s useless to talk to him”. He concludes “she always has to be right; why even bother to respond.”
The bottom line: Intense frustration. Not good for the relationship. Not good for each individual’s self-esteem.

5. Insufficient good times to balance out the bad times.

No relationship is perfect. You need to take the good with the bad. This is easier said than done, however, because hurt, disappointment, and betrayal tend to linger longer in memory.

One good deed (I brought you roses) does not balance out a “cut to the quick” hurt (you forgot my birthday). Count on at least 5 positive experiences to counterbalance 1 negative one. And if that bad one is emotionally searing, expect that only time and an honest effort to rebuild trust will make a difference.

If, after reading these danger signs, you believe that your relationship is in jeopardy, make it a priority to address the issues. Don’t let a relationship languish that still has the potential to become one that’s healthy, nourishing and loving.

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