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How Good Are Your Listening Skills?

Some of us have never learned to listen well. Others know how to listen well but neglect to use these skills. The end result: confusing communication, troubled relationships.

Not listening is a primary source of distress in many families. How often have you heard the complaint, “I could say something 101 times and he still doesn’t hear me.” Or, “I don’t tell her what I’m thinking because she’d jump down my throat before I even finish my sentence.”

When people are dating, they generally listen to each other well. They make excellent eye contact, are interested in what the other is saying, and give nonverbal head nods and vocal sounds to indicate that they are following along with what’s being said.

As time passes, however, people become more relaxed with each other. Direct eye contact is not always made, listening may be done with half an ear, and the nonverbal cues that reassure your partner that you are following along with her may be absent. Some of this blasé approach to listening is to be expected. If left unchecked, however, listening skills can deteriorate to the point where people feel dismissed, disregarded and disrespected.

If you’re wondering about the quality of your own listening skills, here are some telltale signs of trouble:

Listening with only half an ear as you let yourself get distracted by your own thoughts or worries.
Racing to rebut the other person’s remarks before he is finished speaking.
Looking to defend your position without giving an iota of validity to what was just said.
Faking attention or daydreaming while pretending to listen.
Rehearsing what you’re going to say while pretending to listen to what the other person is saying.
Responding with frequent ‘Yes, But’ statements, negating the other’s position and reiterating your own.
Scouting for flaws in an argument to gain the ammunition you need to beat it down.
Tuning out what strikes you as dry, uninteresting or lengthy.
Rolling your eyes.
Letting your eyes wander to something else of interest.
Paying attention to a distraction (TV, computer, mail) while saying you’re listening.

Have I hit home with these signs? Do you plead guilty to doing a fair amount of these things?

Good, I appreciate your honesty. You are more sincere than the person who deflects the blame by blaming the victim -- “I only do those things because you give me too many details, go on too long, repeat yourself, talk to me when I’m watching TV ...etc. ...etc. ...etc.”

True, good speaking skills enhance people’s desire to listen. But, you shouldn’t have to be an award winning speaker to get a loved one to listen.

True, we live in an age of short attention span, easy distractions and perennial impatience. But, you should be trying to overcome these challenges, not using them as excuses.

Good listening means not just settling for the main gist of a conversation, but also hearing and acknowledging the nuances, subtleties and context of the conversation too.

For me, nothing is more frustrating than witnessing two people taking turns speaking while neither one of them takes turns listening. What a gift you will give yourself (and your loved ones) if you take the time, care and energy to improve your listening skills.

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