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August: Can't Get It Out of My Head

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How Can I Say That?

“I know I need to tell her, but I don’t know how.”

“I don’t have the courage to tell him how upset I am, so I swallow my feelings.”

“I dread bringing up the topic as it will turn into a blame game and things will be worse.”

It’s not easy to:

     Confront a delicate matter.
     Raise a sensitive subject.
     Criticize someone you love.
     End a relationship.
     Discuss end of life issues.

When people are uncomfortable talking about such difficult matters, they often avoid the topic rather than say the wrong thing. Yet avoidance may only make things worse. If you’ve been unable to have that tough talk, it’s time to muster up the courage to confront the issue rather than avoid it.

Here are a few guidelines that can make your difficult conversation easier.

If you don’t know how to start a tough talk, begin by saying just that. Two examples: “I don’t know how to say this but we need to talk..” Or, ”I don’t want to scare you, but there’s something I need to tell you.” It’s possible, indeed probable, that you will be awkward as you speak, so you may want to rehearse your first line. But after that, be spontaneous. Say what you need to say, despite feeling scared, embarrassed, or crying.

Address the issue without advancing to the worst possible conclusion. Beginnings set the stage for what comes next. Thus, begin your tough talk with a moderate statement, such as, “I don’t think you wanted to hurt me, but I was hurt when you didn’t meet me at the doctor’s office.” Don’t start off with an extreme statement (“You don’t care about me.”) or the worst outcome (“I could have dropped dead of a heart attack.”)

Be charitable in your interpretation of the other person’s behavior. Sometimes tough talks are daunting because you’re thinking such hostile thoughts that there’s no way to say what’s on your mind without it sounding dreadful. If this is true, finding a more generous interpretation of the person’s behavior will make the conversation easier. An example: You expected her to call. She didn’t. Is she a selfish and inconsiderate narcissist or is she so busy that it slipped her mind? Is her blunder a simple mistake, a misdemeanor or a felony? If you are too unnerved to bring up a subject, chances are you have intimidated yourself by your own contentious interpretations.

Though receiving awful news is painful, avoiding talking about it creates distance between people. It’s heartbreaking when you must speak with someone about a serious illness, a need for a nursing home, an impending divorce. Though waiting to have the conversation until the timing is better may make sense, don't put it off indefinitely. Avoiding the topic doesn’t make it any easier. Indeed, it often makes it worse. Sidestepping an important topic creates a chasm between people that becomes increasingly difficult to bridge.

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