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February: Trophy Kids

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Helicopter Parents

I’ve yet to meet a parent who admits to being a “helicopter parent”.

Sure, other parents hover over their kids - but me, I’m just checking on my kid to make sure she’s safe.

Sure, some parents micromanage their child’s life - but me, I just want to make sure he won’t make a mistake that will mess up his life.

Helicopter parents are so named because they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their kids need them or not. These parents rush in to prevent any harm from befalling their children – not just physical harm but “unfair” treatment at school, on the athletic field or in extra-curricular activities.

Helicopter parents “do” for their kids when their kids have trouble doing for themselves. The reason they “do” always seems reasonable. A child with a filled social calendar is too busy, too distracted or too forgetful to take responsibility for his own stuff. So, a caring parent picks up an application, drops off an assignment, fixes a fight between friends or “helps” him do his homework.

So, what’s the big deal? Aren’t caring parents supposed to advocate for their child? Well yes, on occasion. But it’s amazing how quickly a “favor” can turn into an “expectation”, which then turns into a “way of life”.

As strange as it may seem, it’s good for your child to be frustrated, bored, disappointed and even hurt.

We learn as we live. If kids are rescued from their emotional states, how do you think they’re going to handle similar emotional states in adulthood? A one word answer suffices - poorly.

They won’t be prepared to face life’s predictable adversities (I won’t even address the unpredictable ones). They will have trouble being resilient. They won’t know how to be resourceful. They will have low frustration tolerance. They will be easily bored. Despite having received an abundance of advantages in childhood, they may actually enter adulthood as emotionally handicapped individuals.

If every time a youngster has a fight with a friend, a misunderstanding with a teacher or an argument with a coach, and a parent steps in to fix it, the child loses. He never gets the opportunity to be distressed - and put it in perspective. He never gets the opportunity to feel upset - and figure out how to deal with it on his own. He never learns the basic skills of conflict resolution which includes clarifying misunderstandings, forging compromises, proposing changes, initiating ideas and more.

Kids also need to develop the ability to wait. In our culture of affluence (despite the recession), too often parents seek to satisfy their children's wants (expressed as needs) quickly. Advertising feeds into this national addiction for instant gratification. We are told to rush right out to purchase the hottest toy, the latest fad, the coolest tech innovation. Waiting, however, is a fine way to build character. Immediate gratification, on the other hand, is a fine way to build narcissism.

A whole generation of kids is being raised with industries devoted to keeping them entertained. Though almost all kids have more toys than their parents ever dreamed of, they’re still frequently bored, finding themselves with nothing to do, and lacking imagination to fix the problem. When a child is bored and a parent rescues him right away, a pattern develops in which the child does not learn how to be alone and does not know how to initiate an interesting activity. This is a prescription for developing feelings of helplessness, loneliness, deprivation (no matter how much they have) and lack of imagination.

Though you may not be a full-fledged helicopter parent, chances are strong that you display some characteristics of the syndrome. If so, consider taking a step backwards when your child is distressed, frustrated or bored. It’s not always easy, especially when it only takes a tear or a pout to trigger your "help" gene.

To back off doesn’t mean that you’re an uncaring or indifferent parent. It doesn’t mean you abandon your child with no guidance as to how he might work out the situation for himself. It means that you’re teaching your child to become empowered by providing him with the space he needs to work things out for himself. As you offer your child the gift of independence, you also give yourself the opportunity to be a loving, caring parent without the need to be a whirlybird.

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