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March: Is Your Marriage in Trouble?

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How Healthy is Your Relationship?

The health of a spousal relationship is not always evident to outsiders. Some couples appear to have it all together, until the day they announce that they’re splitting. Other couples, in contrast, frequently bicker and find fault. Yet, the next day is a new day and the offense, if not forgotten, is forgiven.

What’s even stranger is that the health of a relationship is not always evident to the people who are living it. Is your relationship in jeopardy or has it just hit a few bumps in the road? Trouble brewing or small potatoes? How are you to know?

What can be even more bizarre is when “his” marriage and “her” marriage are on wildly different rating scales. It’s possible for one partner to be very satisfied with the marriage, while the other partner is terribly discontent.

Wouldn’t it be helpful if you could assess the problems in your relationship before they became critical? That way you could either reassure yourself that yesterday’s altercation was no big deal or that it was indeed a big deal which needs to be addressed promptly.

To assess the health of your relationship, here are 5 danger signs to look out for:

1. Interpreting your spouse’s “bad behavior” as an irreversible character flaw.

The problem is not just what your spouse does (or doesn’t do), it’s also how you interpret that behavior. For instance, if you asked him to pick up an item on the way home from work and he forgot to do it, do you think of him as “selfish, narcissistic, uncaring” or as “as forgetful and easily distracted.” The more negative your interpretation is and the more you view it as a fixed character flaw vs. a temporary condition (he was tired, busy, sidetracked), the more your relationship is in jeopardy.

2. Frequent use of cross-complaining.

Cross-complaining is when one person complains and the spouse, rather than addressing the complaint, makes a counter complaint. Here’s a typical example: She says, “I hate it when you don’t pick up after yourself.” He responds, “I hate that you’re so compulsive and have to have things your way.”
Cross-complaining makes each party feel alienated, often expressed as, “You don’t listen to me”, or “You don’t care what I think.” Much better to listen, be empathetic and respond to your spouse’s complaint. Then, at another time, you can have the floor and bring up what’s bothering you.

3. Treating your spouse with contempt.

It’s obvious that you cannot have a healthy relationship if you’re contemptuous of your spouse – either in private or with others. However, when contempt is less malevolent, you may be unaware of it.

So, be mindful of the following:

Rolling your eyes as your spouse speaks;
Assuming a patronizing, lecturing tone of voice;
Using body language that indicates disrespect;
Making non-negotiable announcements that cuts off conversation;
Name-calling and cursing.

4. Ongoing criticism and defensiveness.

When criticized, it’s a natural response to be defensive and criticize in turn. This kind of back and forth explaining and criticizing can go on ad nauseam. The end result: colossal frustration. The more you talk, the worse you feel. Distressing for the relationship. Degrading for your self-esteem.

It’s essential to find a better way to respond to criticism. One way to do so is to filter out the hurtful aspects of criticism while taking in the helpful aspects. An example; “Yes, I know I’ve been careless with sending out the bills on time, but it’s not true that I never do anything right; however, I hear your point and will try to get the bills out in a more timely way.”

5. Not enough good times to balance out the bad times.

Research indicates that a relationship needs to have at least 5 good experiences to offset just 1 bad one. A 1-on-1 ratio is not enough. Why should this be so? Unfortunately, it’s because the negative lingers longer in memory. Hence, it’s not just excessive conflict that can put a relationship in jeopardy. It’s also not enough enjoyable, fun, good times that creates a tense relationship.

Hopefully, this article has helped you assess the health of your relationship. If your relationship is on solid ground, congratulations. Go out and celebrate! You’ve earned it! If, however, this article has pinpointed troubled patterns in your relationship, I urge you to seek professional help sooner rather than later. It’s rare that these types of difficulties reverse themselves.

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