Subscribe to Dr Sapadin's PsychWisdom Columns [click here]
You’ve Got a Point!
It’s such a simple phrase; yet it carries considerable clout. If you can just manage to say, “You’ve Got a Point”, in the middle of a disagreement, you’ve got a good chance of turning a “no-win” conflict into a “win-win” one. Here’s an example:
“Mom, I’m not going to school today.”
“Oh, yes you are.”
“I can’t. Look at my hair. It’s a mess. I look awful.”
“You look just fine. Now, get ready; the bus will be here in 15 minutes.”
“I’m not going!" (Voice reaches a screeching peak as she locks herself in her room.)
Daughter collapses in tears; misses the bus. Mom’s furious as she drives her daughter to school 30 minutes late. Both parties blame each other for the whole fiasco.
Now it may seem a bit weird to agree with your daughter’s point of view that her hair looks awful (even though you think it’s fine), but watch what happens when Mom does just that.
“Mom, I’m not going to school today.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Look at my hair. It’s a mess. I look awful.”
“You’ve got a point! Your hair doesn’t look its best, but it’s certainly not awful. Try using a hair clip or putting it into a pony tail. Then see what you think.”
“That won't solve anything.”
“Give it a shot.”
“OK. See, it still doesn’t look right, though it’s not as bad as it was.”
“Yup, I think it looks better too; time to get going now. We’ll discuss your hair tonight. Perhaps it’s time for a new style.”
It’s not unusual for family arguments to bring out the worst in both parties. As each person becomes further entrenched in her position, she (or he) turns against the other as though that person were the enemy. These arguments end with both a winner and a loser or with two losers (both people feel miserable, nobody wins).
For both sides to win, you must be open to hearing the validity of the other person’s perspective. This does not mean you’re giving in to the other person. It simply implies that you’re looking to achieve a position of mutual cooperation (a win-win solution).
If you make “You’ve got a point!” your mantra, you create a climate for better communication. And here’s what’s likely to happen:
You’ll recognize that a different perspective on the matter doesn’t make one of you right and the other wrong.
As you do this, you may notice that the other person becomes more open to acknowledging the validity of your point of view.
You’ll consider the merits of another person's point of view without becoming defensive.
You’ll become more open to creative problem solving instead of just finding fault with each other.
Copyright 2010: Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior.
Subscribe to Dr Sapadin's PsyhcWisdom Columns [click here]
