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August: Can't Get It Out of My Head

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The Entitled Child

Many of today’s kids have been brought up hearing about how “special” they are and how “smart” they are. The unintended consequence of this type of upbringing, (which on the surface seems like a wonderful way to build self-confidence and self-esteem), is that kids actually believe that they are special and superior to others – including their parents.

Hearing that you are special, without recognition that that means you are special to me, or hearing that you are smart and therefore entitled, can have several adverse consequences, in particular, an unearned belief of entitlement and superiority. “I’m special just because I’m me.” “I deserve just because I want.” “I’m entitled to the best just because I say so.” “My wants are the same as my needs”. “My needs must take precedence over everybody else’s.”

Unfortunately, this kind of thinking creates people who believe that they are a legend in their own minds. Not a good thing for the young person, not a good thing for the parents.

So, if you are living with a kid who believes that she/he is “special”, and therefore, unaccountable to the rules and regulations that others abide by, here’s what you must do.

First and most importantly, when your child is upset or frustrated, you must not allow her to bully you, curse at you, call you nasty names or otherwise treat you disrespectfully. If she does, you must change the course of the conversation, making the manner in which you are spoken to the new discussion. If she evokes freedom of speech issues (“I can say what I want; it’s a free country”), don’t take the bait. Tell her in a strong voice that you will not tolerate being treated with disrespect. Having stated your position, you do not have to go into a tirade or a full-blown lecture. This is one of those times that less is more.

Respect, however, is a two way street. A child models what she hears. Thus, you will have no leg to stand on if you curse her but expect her to abide by different rules. Indeed, if you think it’s okay for you to be disrespectful to your child but not okay the other way around, you are actually modeling the concept that you are special, therefore not accountable for your behavior. In attempting to explain or excuse your actions, you may minimize your own lack of control, focusing instead on your kid’s provocative behavior. Know, however, that we all must be accountable for how we treat each other.

Secondly, you must begin to undo this “special syndrome” by complimenting your kid for her actions and effort, not just telling her how special or smart she is. Specific feedback such as, “I admire the way you handled that,” or “I could see you put a lot of effort into that project,” is best. If your child already thinks she’s special, you don’t want to gush approval, reinforcing her belief about how wonderful she is. Yet, you also don’t want to refrain from complimenting her, even though the relationship may be strained.

Third, let your child experience the natural consequences of her actions. If she thinks she’s special, she may feel that she doesn’t need to pick up her dirty clothes from the floor; somebody else will surely do that. Instead, make it a rule that if clothes don’t go in the hamper, there are no clean clothes. If your son frequently expects you to bail him out of trouble by covering for him or by doing much of his homework, change your pattern. Let him get into trouble at school. Yes, you may need to suffer through a tantrum or two in which you hear about how unfair you are, but stick to your guns. Short-term appeasement is the precursor of long-term regrets.

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