Endless Praise!

When I complete my routine on the stationary bike, the machine responds, “Great Workout!” When I end a yoga class, the instructor tells me, “Fantastic Job.” When I win a game of online Spider Solitaire, fireworks go off.

And I beam. I like receiving positive praise. But then again, I was raised before the days of the self-esteem movement. In those days, kids were told: “You got a 90! What happened to the other 10 points?” or “Enough bike riding; Get in here and do your homework!” In those days, “Good Job!” was simply not the typical parental feedback.

What a difference a few decades make (okay, more than a few).

Ever since parents started to acknowledge the importance of self-esteem, it’s been non-stop “Good Job.” As if endless praise weren't enough, the praise is often accompanied by gifts, rewards and grade inflation.

Mollie received a diploma for graduating from nursery school; Johnnie, a trophy for attending soccer practices, Jason an ‘A’ for answering every essay question.

The good news about the self-esteem movement is that it has raised kids’ self-worth. The bad news is that it has gone too far, backfiring with unexpected consequences. Here are a few examples:

Though today’s kids typically receive a barrage of endless praise, isn’t it strange that so many of them are so mean to each other?

Though today’s kids marinate in kudos from the day they’re born, isn’t it weird that 7 years later, they’ve developed that jaded look of boredom with life?

Though today’s kids endlessly negotiate with their parents to buy the clothes they want, isn’t it bizarre that they’re so insecure about the way they look?

What’s going on here? Could it be that continuous praise has morphed into cheapened praise? That kids long for authentic feedback, not phony feedback?

Years ago, parents criticized their kids in the most blatant manner: “Stop slouching; stand up straight; nobody will like you if you act like that; what’s wrong with you?” They were like Simon Cowell whose blunt criticism to American Idol contestants has earned him fame and fortune.

In today’s world, parents agonize over how to critique their kids without bruising their egos. In contrast, kids bestow on each other (and on their parents) brutish criticism without caring one iota about the other person's feelings. After all, you’ve got to say something in all those text messages. You’ve got to fill your Facebook page with something that’s provocative. You've got to let loose with your feelings in some way.

So, what’s a parent to do? Should you scratch the praising, return to the criticizing? Not exactly. But whenever you go overboard in one direction, it’s a good idea to move in the other direction (like a tightrope walker) until you find the correct balance.

Hence, curb your enthusiasm the next time you’re tempted to praise your kid. Unless you’re truly impressed with what your child has done, “fantastic job” is unnecessary. “Nice” is fine. Saying nothing is fine. And so is honest criticism, “looks like you didn’t put much effort into your work.”

For praise to be effective, it must be authentic. If not, don’t be surprised when your kid dismisses your words. As 10-year-old Allison retorted when her mom told her how pretty she looked, “You have to say that. You’re my mother. But the kids tell me the truth. They think I'm fat. And I think they’re right.”

For more information on how to raise 21st century kids, check out the eye-opening book “Childhood Unbound” written by psychologist, Dr. Ron Taffel.

Copyright 2011

Interested in learning about diverse forms of heroism?

Visit www.HeroicImagination.org.

Dr. Phil Zimbardo, one of the world’s most distinguished psychologists, says “The Heroic Imagination Project (HIP) is a nonprofit organization that advances everyday heroism. At HIP, we believe everyone has the potential to transform the private virtue of compassion into the civic virtue of heroic action, and we are dedicated to helping individuals internalize and express their “heroic imagination” in service to humanity.”