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Cognitive Dissonance

So you think you’re a rational person, do you? You take pride in the fact that you are reasonable, rational, fair and honest. And surely, it’s annoying to you when others are unreasonable, irrational, unfair and dishonest. You look down on them, believing that that they should do better. Have I pegged you correctly?

If you’re nodding your head yes, keep reading.

I believe that for the most part you conduct your life based on the admirable qualities mentioned above. But what happens when you don’t?

Though you pride yourself on being an understanding parent, what happens when one day you completely lose your cool with your kid – acting in a way that goes against all you believe in?
Though you think of yourself as an honest person, what happens when you conveniently forget to tell the bank that a deposit was credited twice to your account?
Though you view yourself as an effective decision maker and a real smart guy, what happens when your eating habits are out of control?
Though you take pride in being a “smart shopper” - thrifty and practical, what happens when you lease a car that is clearly expensive and showy?

In short, what happens when you experience “cognitive dissonance” – that tension and discomfort people feel when their actions are not aligned with their beliefs or self-image? How do people handle those inconsistencies in their personality?

Welcome to the world of face-saving explanations, where facts may become as pliable as putty and rationalizations abound.

Here are typical ways that people might handle those inconsistencies in order to feel okay about themselves:

My kid won’t listen to me unless I’m in his face. He gives me no choice but to respond the way I did. Besides, no parent is perfect.
Why should I help the bank correct their errors? They rip off the consumer with their outrageous bank fees, so if they get the short end of the stick from time to time, so what?
Sure, I know I eat way too much junk food. But if I stopped, I’d start smoking, be more stressed out and probably die of a heart attack. Besides, my dad ate junk food his whole life and lived to 84. That’s good enough for me.
The car I bought is expensive but its safety features make it worth the extra cost. And it’s a great deal because it will retain its value over the years.

These types of rationalizations serve an important purpose. They protect your ego and soothe your anxiety or guilt. So what’s the problem?

Probably the worst thing about them is that you are fooling no one but yourself. Others see through your inconsistencies rather easily, for their egos are not on the line.

So what might be a better approach? If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable about something you’ve done (or not done), instead of rationalizing, stop and think. See if you can discover what your conflict really is. When you take the time to do this, you then have a few options. You can apologize for your behavior, change your behavior or admit and accept your inconsistencies.

For example,

Wouldn’t it be better, if instead of justifying losing your cool with your kid, you owned up to your lack of control and apologized to him?

Instead of justifying ignoring the bank’s error, you admit to yourself that you are not always scrupulously honest.

Instead of fooling yourself about the health risks of your poor eating habits, you admit that you lack the willpower and put effort into finding a way to change this pattern.

And finally, instead of trying to justify why you bought such an expensive car, you simply admit that, at times, you like to splurge.

When you are more honest and accepting of yourself, you also tend to be more honest and accepting of others. And that acceptance has a substantial payoff in the quality of your personal relationships and the ease in which you handle your differences.

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