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August: Can't Get It Out of My Head

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Paradoxical Change

There are times that the more we try to make something happen, the less successful we are. This is often true when we are trying to get someone we love to change.

The change that we desire may make a good deal of sense. You try to explain your reasons to the other person. He may even agree with you, saying he’ll try to change, yet he doesn’t. You try everything. You criticize. You nag. You argue. You demand. You yell. You cry. You punish. You withdraw. You try not to care.

And still – no change. What’s going on here?

Something you wish weren’t true. And yet you know, deep down, that it is true. People don’t change when others tell them they should. They change when they, themselves, are motivated to change.

But what makes somebody become motivated to change?

I wish there were a simple answer to that question, but I’ve yet to find one. Some people really do have to hit rock bottom to change. Or be jolted by their reality. But even a startling reality doesn’t work for some. It’s not unusual to see people diagnosed with lung cancer still puffing away. Or a college student threatened with expulsion still refusing to crack open a book.

So what should you do if a loved one won’t change, despite all your efforts to make it happen?

Here is your best hope:

First Step - Save your energy. Admit the futility of seeking to change someone who is not open to changing.

Second Step - Decide how you will respond differently, (not to force change on the other person) but to take care of yourself. When you do this, the dynamics of the relationship will automatically change.

Consider how this advice worked for Jill. She described her situation:

“I love my husband but our communication is so limited, it’s pathetic. I ask him how his day was, he grunts okay, then flips on the TV. I want to talk with him but he has the attention span of a flea. I’ve asked him to come to therapy with me but he refuses. What can I do?”

Jill had tried everything she knew to get her husband to be more communicative. In addition to asking him questions, she was forever initiating conversations hoping to get him involved. Figuring that it might be easier for him to communicate later at night without the distraction of the kids, she scheduled “talk time” twice a week where they would sit in the den and speak about their day. It didn't take her long to realize that Doug felt trapped and hostile. Jill gave up, feeling even more discouraged.

When Jill decided to seek therapy for herself, she was feeling depressed and agitated. The first thing I told her was that she was trying much too hard to get Doug to change. I suggested that she stop asking him questions, stop initiating conversations, and cut out the idea of “talk time”. If she felt the need to talk with someone, she should call her friends or talk to her kids. Since she had expressed a need to do more things, I also suggested she join a gym or find a class that she’d be interested in taking.

Jill’s reaction was negative. She was afraid that such changes would increase the distance between the two of them. I reminded Jill that I wanted her to do these things to take care of herself, not to improve the relationship.

She decided to give my suggestions a try. Within a few weeks time, she noticed that she was feeling less resentful even though Doug, true to form, was still his non-communicative self. A month later, however, she was surprised to hear Doug complain about how busy she was with things that did not include him. He admitted to feeling lonely and wanting her to spend more time at home.

Jill was careful not to drop her new activities and return to the way things used to be. Instead, she responded affirmatively, “You’re right. I have been out a lot. Tomorrow, however, would be a good time for us to be together. Anything in particular, you’d like to do or talk about?”

Doug responded, “No, just want to be around you.”

Jill smiled, feeling pleased with herself that the “change for one” plan was working. No longer was she actively pursuing Doug, practically begging him to be with her. And though Doug was still deficient in the gift of gab, still reluctant to venture into emotional terrain, she did appreciate that he cared and that he wanted to be around her.

Sometimes taking an approach that seems distancing creates a paradoxical benefit. Over time, Jill noticed that the less she pressured Doug to talk, the more he opened up. Strange the way some things work.

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