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July: Melt-Down Kids

If Hal is hot under the collar, watch out! He has to have someone to blame. It’s no secret that Hal is a blame-based person. An avid athlete, a ‘Type A’ personality and a perfectionist nature make him one tough guy to deal with -- particularly, when something occurs that is not to his liking. You can count on being the target of his anger if you’re within striking distance or have anything to do with his frustration.

Hal, however, does not match the profile of a typically abusive guy, one whose anger might suggest the need for an order of protection.  Indeed, he has contempt for anybody who would hit his kids, curse up a storm, or wreck a house. He is a responsible guy who rigidly demands that others be as responsible as he is.  His motto: Do what you are supposed to do, the way it should be done and do it on time! No excuses! Hal has zero tolerance for “stupidity”, “irresponsibility” or “carelessness”. 

As you might imagine, Hal is a somber guy, serious to a fault. If things don’t go as expected, someone must be at fault. On occasion, it is himself. Most often, however, it is others.

In a traffic jam: “This wouldn’t have happened if you were ready on time”.

An appliance broke: “You should have anticipated the problem.”

A decision to make: “Stop talking about it and just do it!”

Can someone like Hal loosen up? Chill out?  No--not right away. But often what starts the change process is a particularly unpleasant encounter in which a blame-based person recognizes that it’s HE who needs to change.

For example. While driving his son to a softball game, Hal, uncharacteristically, drove to the wrong field. By the time he recognized his mistake and got to the right field, they were 20 minutes late. When Hal saw that the game had already begun, he lost it, blaming Jason for “making him” misread the schedule by distracting him. Jason ran from the car with tears in his eyes. When his coach asked him why he was late, he responded, “I don’t know. I can never do anything right.”

At that moment, something clicked. Hal recognized how damaging his blaming was to Jason’s self-esteem. He was aware that he had used Jason as a scapegoat. His response was unnecessarily harsh.  His finding fault with Jason was well beyond what even HE thought it should be.

Of course, a blame-based person does not easily change his ways. Seeking someone to blame was in Hal’s blood. It was his way of trying to keep the control, trying to make things right. However, Hal took a big step forward when he was willing to attribute blame not just to people, but also to human nature (people make mistakes), situations (more traffic than expected), technology (fax was hard to read), or organizations (the mailing didn’t go out on time).

But even then, it still took Hal awhile before he was willing to examine the roots of his need to blame. To reflect on why control was so important to him. To remember how he felt as a kid when he was on the receiving end of the blame.  I’m not suggesting that Hal became an introspective person who loved to delve deep into his psyche. That would have required a personality transplant. But there definitely was a mellowing process. A chilling out.  A lighter way of looking at life and all its myriad problems. The result: A less intense Hal, with a happier son and a more agreeable wife. Not too shabby, I would say.

Copyright 2005