Featured Article

Adults that Are Out of Control

How do toddlers behave when they are upset, frustrated or angry? They scream, cry, hit, bite, break and throw whatever is in their way. Good thing toddlers are little and have parents who can calm them down when they are out of control.

How do kids behave when they are upset, frustrated or angry? Often, not very well. Not only do they have more powerful physical “skills” than the toddler, they now have language skills to destructively engage. Their weaponry includes teasing, taunting, bullying, browbeating, and name-calling. Children’s cruelty is legendary. The physical and psychic damage they can inflict on a peer can be devastating. The misery they can wreak upon a sibling can be horrendous. The ongoing conflict they have with their parents is draining, to say the least.

So, do all kids behave badly when they are frustrated?  No, but many do. And a cherubic face is no guarantee that a child will be gentle or caring. Nor is a high IQ a guarantee that a kid will be sensitive or compassionate. Indeed even teens, despite their worldly façade, are often highly egocentric, self-absorbed and inflexible --  particularly when they are not getting what they want. This is probably no news to a parent who upsets a child by insisting that he turns off the TV. Or to a mother who frustrates a kid by not buying her what she “absolutely must have”. Or to a father who sparks a teen’s anger by disciplining him.

Clearly, most kids have not yet learned to deal with frustration well. They are wrapped up in their own needs. Their insecurities are off the charts.  They respond impulsively. They react without thought. They can’t let things go. They must have the last word. They focus on their own point of view. They don’t look at the bigger picture. They are immature. They are kids.

Therefore, we can forgive them for their bad behavior. And continue to teach them better ways to handle their anger.

But what should we make of adults who, when they are frustrated, behave like kids or even toddlers. Who scream and cry and hit and throw things. Who name call. Who blame. Who intimidate. Who are cruel. Who insist that their viewpoint is the only one that matters.

These adults have much to learn. And nobody to teach them.  There’s no parent to implore them to calm down. No adult to send them to their rooms. No authority figure to punish them for bad behavior. Unless, of course, the bad behavior gets so out of hand that the cops are called. Or the kids, who have become the authority figures, tell them to “cut it out”.

As adults, it is essential that we learn to handle our frustrations with at least a modicum of maturity. To think before we act. To censor ourselves before we hurt another. To postpone gratification. To look at the bigger picture. To laugh at ourselves. To know that things won’t always go our way. To view a situation from someone else’s viewpoint.  To engage with another in a constructive rather than a destructive manner.

Some people believe that if you have not learned these skills by your early adult years, then you’re out of luck. This is simply not true. Many skills are learned because of the harsh reality of necessity. So, if you feel that your marriage is in jeopardy, or your career is stalled, or your self-respect is shaky because of the way you’ve been handling your anger or frustration, it’s important for you to get help. And crucial, if you realize that your behavior is the original model for your children's behavior.

Copyright 2005